


Pushing Through

by Joyfulnerd



Series: The Bells [3]
Category: Veronica Mars (Movie 2014), Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-28 15:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2737244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joyfulnerd/pseuds/Joyfulnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of The Bells. Inspired by some of the lyrics of "I Hear The Bells" by Mike Doughty. See notes at the end of the fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pushing Through

_I'm pushing through_  
 _I'll disregard the cost_  
 _I hear the bells_  
 _So fascinating and_  
 _I'll slug it out_  
 _I'm sick of waiting_

The drive from San Diego to Neptune isn't terribly exciting and certainly nothing new, but on nights like this Logan Echolls enjoys it immensely. The air is cool, the stars are out, and he's home. Logan leans back in the plush leather seat of his BMW convertible relishing the freedom of being back home and going where he wants when he wants. He loves his work in the Navy and he's grateful for the structure and discipline he's found there, but there's always something special about coming back home and being able to do as he likes. And what he likes tonight is driving to Neptune to surprise Carrie. She's not expecting him until next week. 

Logan grins as the wind blows through his short hair. He's excited to see Carrie. Things with between them had been tense before he'd left for this deployment. To be honest, tense was an understatement. Their relationship had been rocky for a while now. After Carrie's refusal to go to rehab, things had been bad. Their arguments had gotten worse and worse. With a deployment breathing down his neck, Logan had all but begged Carrie to at least try some counseling, meetings, something. Carrie told him she'd try and the last few months, at least over email and Skype, she'd seemed to be doing...better. She said she'd been going to meetings and when they'd been able to talk on Skype, she'd seemed happier and more content. Logan wasn't turning a blind eye to the fact that she could just be hiding things from him, but he was tentatively hopeful. In her last email, she'd said she was spending the next few weeks at her place in Neptune writing songs for her new album, so he here was making his way to his hometown, praying that his hope wasn't misplaced. 

Logan takes a deep breath as he turns the convertible into the drive up to Carrie's neighborhood. He pulls to a stop alongside the gatehouse. 

"Good evening, Mr. Echolls." Caleb was on duty tonight. Short and broad with an easy smile, Logan suspected many people had been fooled into thinking the guard was just a cliched rent-a-cop. Logan knew better. He'd chatted with Caleb briefly before and knew for a fact Caleb was former Mossad. Logan suspected Caleb could probably kill someone with his pinky if he really felt like it. 

"Hi, Caleb. Saturday night duty, huh? That's rough." Logan hands over his ID without being asked. 

Caleb shrugs as he walks into the gatehouse to log Logan's entry into the neighborhood. "It is what it is, Mr. Echolls. You just get back from duty? Haven't seen you around much the last few months."

"Yep, just got in today."

"Welcome home. The party up at the house for you tonight, then?" Caleb calls from the gatehouse.

Logan's stomach clenches almost painfully. A party? _Shit._ Maybe Caleb's mistaken.

"Can't be for me. I'm home early. Carrie's not expecting me for a couple days."

Caleb walks out of the gatehouse and hands Logan back his ID. "Well, then your timing is impeccable because it seems like whatever's going on up there is gonna be wild."

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ Logan offers Caleb a weak smile and wishes him a good night as he shifts the BMW into drive and heads up towards Carrie's house. Carrie's email had said she'd be "holed up" in her house writing. Logan grits his teeth and he can feel the tension building in his body. He turns his neck side to side and shrugs his shoulders in an attempt to relax. As he turns the corner onto Carrie's street and sees that Caleb was most definitely not mistaken, Logan realizes there will be no relaxing tonight. He can't even get into Carrie's driveway because it's so full of cars. He ends up having to drive past Carrie's house and park on the street. 

Logan is out of the BMW quickly and heading up the street to Carrie's house. He should really calm down. For all he knows, Carrie may not be doing anything. She could just be playing host tonight. Even as he thinks it, Logan gives a humorless laugh. He knows that's not true. He knows what he's going to find and can feel the frustration and disappointment swirling deep inside him. He feels sick. 

As Logan turns and walks up Carrie's driveway, the pounding bass line of some dance mix pours out of the house. There are people milling around Ferraris and Lamborghinis in the drive. Logan strides past without acknowledging anyone. He just wants to find Carrie. 

As he enters the house, the smell of alcohol and marijuana is strong. _Smells like high school_ , Logan thinks wryly. The music is absurdly loud now. As he pushes past the crowds of people in the entryway, he hears a familiar voice. 

"Dude! Logan! What are you doing here, man?" 

Logan turns and sees Dick descending the stairs. Logan stops, but he's so agitated that he starts shifting his weight from foot to foot. Dick reaches him and wraps Logan in a bear hug. Logan pats his old friend on the back. At least Dick is glad to see him home early. He's pretty sure Carrie won't be. 

"I thought you weren't getting home until Tuesday, man! What the hell? The Navy finally kick you out? Am I finally getting my surfing buddy back?"

It's Dick's standard line. He's never understood Logan's choice to join the Navy, to actually do something with his life. Normally, Logan lets Dick's little jabs roll of his back, but he's definitely not in the mood tonight. 

"I'm just home a little early, Dick. And just because I'm in the Navy doesn't mean you've lost me as a friend. Jesus, it's the same thing every time with you."

Dick looks offended. "What the fuck, Logan? It was a joke. Lighten up...or maybe just light up?" Dick digs a joint out of his pocket and offers it Logan. 

"No thanks. Have you seen, Carrie?"

"Just looking to get laid, huh?"

"Dick. Where. Is. Carrie." 

"I thought I saw her in the kitchen a while ago." Dick gestures toward the back of the house. "Welcome home or whatever."

Logan sighs. Dick isn't the reason he's upset. "Sorry, man. It's good to see you. I'm just...I need to find Carrie right now. We'll catch up later, okay?"

Apparently this is enough for Dick because he breaks into a broad grin and claps Logan on the shoulder. "Sounds good, dude. Glad you're home." 

Dick wanders off into the living room, bobbing his head to the music. For a moment Logan watches him, gazing around the living room as Dick disappears into the crowd. People are dancing and grinding to the music. A couple is making out on Carrie's couch. A pair of guys are snorting lines of coke off the black steel coffee table. Logan's mind flashes back to the night before he left on this tour. Sitting with Carrie on that same couch watching a movie. The coffee table covered in take-out boxes. Laughing. Happy. Times like that with Carrie have been becoming more and more rare. Logan feels something akin to grief as he thinks that maybe times like that are coming to an end.

Logan takes a deep breath and heads further into the house. Before he even reaches the kitchen, he spots Carrie's bright purple hair. He starts heading that way but stops short when he sees who is standing with Carrie at the island. Sean Friedrich. Thieving douchebag Sean Friedrich. Logan's worry about Carrie is quickly dissolving into a burning anger. He watches as Sean pours a couple shots and hands one to Carrie. She downs it quickly. Sean, the bastard, picks up a bong from the island and takes a hit. Logan's anger is a wildfire now and he's just done.

Rushing into the kitchen right past Carrie, he grabs Sean. It's immensely satisfying to see Sean's eyes widen at the sight of him. Logan pushes Sean out of the room. 

"You're not welcome here!" Logan yells. He gives Sean another shove and Sean stumbles out the patio door, falling to the ground. Logan doesn't want to waste anymore time on Sean. He spins on his heel and stalks back into the kitchen. He stops in front of Carrie. Her eyes are wide and glassy. Her face is almost blank as she looks up at him. Clearly that shot wasn't the first thing she'd taken part in tonight. 

"You get rid of him or you're going to end up dead," Logan warns Carrie. She just blinks at him slowly. Logan doesn't give her time to respond, doubts she even could, the state she's in. He heads straight to the front door. He just wants to get out of here now. 

By the time he reaches his car, Logan is nearly shaking with anger and underlying that is a growing feeling of regret. _Damn it._ He shouldn't have reacted like that. He starts the car and peels out down the street. He drives fast and without any real plan for a destination. He spends the drive cursing himself out for making such a scene. He knows better. When he slugged that paparazzo a while back it had made headlines for weeks. He'd made a spectacle in house full of people who lived for spectacle. Logan doesn't doubt that sometime soon someone's Instagram or Twitter will feature a video of Bonnie DeVille's boyfriend flipping out. _Shit._

When he finally stops the car, Logan finds he's driven himself to Dick's place on the beach. He gets out of the car and walks around the back of the house to the beach. He walks nearly to the ocean before he sits down heavily on the sand. He doesn't even notice the damp coldness that immediately starts soaking through his jeans. God, he's just so fucking tired. He's tired of watching Carrie throw her life away as she runs away from her past. He's tired of watching yet another person he loves slowly kill themselves. A faint voice, one that sounds suspiciously like his father, echoes in the far recesses of Logan's mind whispering that once again he's not enough. Not enough to keep another person he loves from running away. He wasn't enough for his mother. He wasn't enough for Veronica. They all run away from him. Logan lets out a shaky sigh and runs his hands over his face as he stares out at the crashing waves. _Your worth isn't determined by the people in your life and their actions are not determined by anything you do._ Isn't that what the psychologist said? Yeah, easier said than believed. 

Maybe it's time to break things off with Carrie. Maybe it's time to let her go since she's so determined to get away from everything anyway. As soon as he thinks it, Logan knows he won't do that. Well, he won't abandon her anyway. But he's not sure he can keep doing the devoted boyfriend thing. Devoted friend? Maybe. Logan knows what's going to happen next. Carrie will call him, tonight or tomorrow or in a couple days, whenever she's sober enough to think beyond her next hit of something. She'll cry and plead with him not to give up on her. And he won't.

**Author's Note:**

> This particular portion of the lyrics screams Logan to me. I had a lot of options for times when Logan has rushed in without thinking about the cost. I initially thought I would write about one of the times he'd rushed in after Veronica, but when the idea struck me that he'd rushed into a situation for Carrie, it simply wouldn't let go. This is a very different type of fic for me (more angsty than anything else I've ever tried to write) and I would love some feedback!


End file.
